I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
