I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
