Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
