Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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