Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
