Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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