The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
