if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
