Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
