We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
