what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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