while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
it glows. i had to have it.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
The struggles of a small town man whore
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
