my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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