When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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