I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
