Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
