Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
