If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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