I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Randomize
