I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
