therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
