I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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