Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
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due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
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You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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