And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
