I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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