It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
