when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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