I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.