omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.