I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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