I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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