i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
