When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Im just a social blackout drinker.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
