why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
