Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
