bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
