good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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