looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
