what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Randomize
