dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
