I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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