I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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