I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
All the doctor said was why
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
