I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
