i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
