I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
