Don't make out with my wife yet
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
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