I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Randomize
