i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I need to align my fucking chakras
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
