i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
organizing the empties. That sober.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
