i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
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