this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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