Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
