i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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