Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
