this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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