I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
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Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
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I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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