Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
