the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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