I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
